


Failure

by satu_cos (turva_auto)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Gun Violence, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Violence, mentions of robbery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 14:36:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15463566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/turva_auto/pseuds/satu_cos
Summary: Levi is on his way but he is running late, after the photo set he finished abroad. Eren tries to cope on his own. Will he manage or not?





	Failure

**Author's Note:**

> This drabble deals with graphical self-harm, please do not read if you do not like. There also occurs a mostly off-screen robbery. Violence and guns are mentioned briefly. So please mind the taggs and don't come bitching to me in the comments for something obviously advertised.

Levi sighs heavily glaring at the clock at the end of the hall. He was supposed to be home right now, he had promised it. But instead he found himself stuck at Winnipeg James Armstrong Richardson international airport unable to board because the airport was currently blocked by the blizzard going on outside. Thank you Canada so very very much! - Levi thought bitterly. As long as Air control wasn't advising things to be safe, no plane would get off. He should have touched down in Chicago O’Hare 7 hours ago and went home, to be with the only guy he truly loved.

He fidget on his seat with impatience. He wanted to get away from here. Eren needed him and he knew there currently was nothing worse than letting him down. Levi found himself praying for the blizzard to ease, praying for Eren to stay calm enough and not lose it. He couldn't even call him, cause the battery of his cellphone died a few hours ago. New years eve was just a couple of hours away and Levi Ackerman was truly fucked. His plan had been to be huddled up on the sofa by now, holding Eren close. It was hard enough to leave him for the few days he had - 2 in total - but work needed to be done, that it was near his hometown in Canada was just a coincidence of things. The amount of money for the photo set Levi had to do was ridiculously high and he couldn't refuse a good offer. Eren wasn't really able to earn a lot recently. He was studying and this took up most of his time, but since the robbery at the coffee shop in downtown, he had been working at, not even study was coming easy to his boyfriend.

“Can't believe a few photo's got me stuck over here.” the raven haired hissed to himself glaring at the tiles on the floor.

“Flight AC3570 to Chicago O’Hare international airport is now open for boarding.” The familiar, yet unknown voice called out through the loudspeakers. Levi Ackerman jumped from his seat in lightning speed. Finally they seemed to be getting somewhere. Only now, he noticed all the people rushing around again, filling the airport and the gate with the usual hum of busyness. He had been too caught up in his own worry to notice before, as he scattered his stuff together and lined up for boarding. The stewardess gave him a warm smile and he smiled back with more relief, than he usually would master in a situation like this, making the young lady blush furiously. He was just glad, that he might make it in time before midnight at least, even though he would be horribly late all the same. In such a situation he could let go of his pissed of resting bitch face for once.

Meanwhile Eren was perched onto the sofa in the living room, trying to focus on the aimless reality TV-show he had put on after browsing through the DVR, ESPN and Food network Levi liked to watch without settling on anything, but it didn't help him ease his nerves. Levi should have been back early this evening, but still he was alone at home. No trace of the french Canadian with the big cold steel eyes and his neatly parted onyx hair, that you could almost measure with a ruler to create parallel lines, with how neat he kept it.

Eren had a clipboard on his knees, a paper fastened firmly in place and the pencil still swirling around in his hand. He really was trying hard to distract himself. Trying even harder to get rid of the feeling, that Levi would not be coming back, that maybe he left him because Eren was being so difficult. Maybe the great Levi Ackerman was with someone else? Someone better than him, someone less complicated, scary and insane.

Eren was glaring onto the front of the paper for more than one hour by now. He started of pretty well, the outlines were clean and neat, the shadows accurate, as the feeling of disgust had risen suddenly, grabbing hold of him like a drowning wave.

He hated it, how childish was it to draw some stupid lines on a piece of paper, when the hate was inside of him? The hate of having failed to defend himself. Eren started to pull thick black lines of marker over his drawing, usually he used it to finish up the details and to accent highlights, now he just pushed the pen across two hours of distraction. Every line thicker than before, pulled with more force. Eren wished the pen would be a knife, a razor or something similar sharp and the paper would be his body. It didn't help him to cope. Maybe it would work the other way around?

He yanked back the sleeve of his dark green pullover, revealing all the tiny red marks, that scattered around there from the past months.

Levi would be here usually, to hold him and help him get away from the urge to hurt himself. He would sooth him and he would cling to him for dear life. The older Canadian would hush away the guilt and the fear and the feeling of being a sassy pussy, a little kid, someone weak, undeserving of love. He would even find time to make some remarks about Eren being a brat, a brat he utterly loved.

Levi would make it all better, kiss his lips sweetly, saying all the right things at the right moment. He would even fuck him hard for hours on end, if it would bring Eren back to himself and off the cliff, no matter if he couldn't walk like a normal person for three days afterwards.

Levi would do everything for him.

Eren grabbed the pen tighter, bringing it down to his arm, as he suddenly remembered what the therapist back in the hospital had told him once. That one single time, since Levi Ackerman was part of his life, when Eren had taken things too far and Levi hadn’t been around fast enough to save Eren from himself. He started to draw a butterfly quickly followed by another one and shortly after his entire arm was covered with scraps of butterflies. but instead of calming him down, he still felt the rage of hate boiling inside of him. The anger flaring like a hot fire straight from hell.

No pain to cover up, no relief at all! Eren pulled hard on his short brown hair in pure frustration, missing the longer wavy strands he have had, that would offer him more leverage to pull tighter,  nevertheless he could feel the skin on his head stinging from the assault.

“It's just one more hour for sure. Levi will be back in one more hour. He will not leave me behind. He is for sure on his way!” he sobbed to himself, but no matter how often he repeated it, the feeling grew stronger and more intense. It felt as if the self hate and fear would split him apart.

It was unlikely that anyone would get past the security staff downstairs or into the condo they called their home, a little apartment in a downtown tower, overlooking the Chicago river, nor even through the door. But Eren was sure and convinced someone would break into their refuge any second, with a gun in his hand aiming for him, like it had happened, back those few months in the coffee shop down at LaSalle.

"He's just a phone call away!!!" Eren screamed on top of his lungs into the semi dark room, as evening set outside and turned into night. In an attempt to get a grip on himself Eren checked his cellphone once again, without any news and tried ringing Levi for what felt like the billionth of times, with his call going straight to the provider company saying he was unavailable, he didn't even reach his voicemail. Nervously Eren paced up and down the room, kicking the couch in an attempt to release his tension. His teal green  eyes searching for something, anything to get him off the edge and back to sanity. He could feel the reality slipping further away from him with every second passing by.

It started as usual with chills, then his feet went kind of numb, followed by his hands, as he stopped drawing, frantically his gaze wandered up and down, feeling the cold numbness creeping up his spine and front, slowly engulfing his heart, until he felt detached from himself, like a stranger passing by. He needed Levi, he needed a hug, he needed him to be back home, not in some other stupid country, even if it was fucking Winterpeg up in Canada.

Maybe he was already in the car? Maybe he was naked in someone else's bed? It would only been fair, after all the worry Eren had put him through in the last couple of months. Clinging to Levi for dear life, like a little lost puppy at every given opportunity, on every single day. He had been desperate and tried to move on, away from the drama of those shocking moments, when the guy entered the coffee shop aiming the gun straight at his face, demanding money from him. He had tried so hard.

Eren was shaking by now and tried calming his breathing down like Levi had showed him so many times before, but failing miserably, trying his hardest to fight the urge of self mutilation. He couldn't cope with it, too caught up in the memory replaying in front of his eyes. His gaze fell on the pencil sharpener next to his sketchbook, on the little wooden coffee table in front of the TV - he no longer was able to hear. The blood was rushing in his ears, drowning out every other sound, the light reflected in the dim night onto the little object. Sharp revolution.

He picked it up, looking closely at the screw, that was holding the blade in place, before he knew it his clumsy fingers were already trying to unscrew it, but the little piece of metal was resistant. The brown haired young man tried to get it open with his teeth and finally the plastic splintered, piercing his bottom lip in the process.

Tasting the tiny bit of blood in his mouth, pushed the final switch for Eren. He spat out the blade into the palm of his hand, picking it back up with his fingers and brought it down to his right forearm and surely but slowly violent poisoned crimson lines ripped apart the wings of the butterflies.

Eren didn't really realise what he was doing. He wasn't aware of the force he used, to sink the blade deep into his own flesh, too concentrated on the sting of pain rippling through his body, leaving behind a trace of calmness, that his brain had been seeking for most of the time.

All thoughts about Levi left him, all fear slipping out of focus, covered up in the pain, that was connected to the gashes in his arm.

The tears were falling freely from his eyes now, as he started to get back from his pain induced high, realising just how much damage he had caused. The sleeve of his pullover no longer green, but dark brown from the red blood seeping through the material and splashes of it covering the thighs of his sweatpants. Red rivulets still running down the ruined skin, to drop and add to the mess in his lap.

“Fuck.” Eren started to take it in, for the first time since his head had gone high wire. He dragged his pullover over his head, the fabric already ruined anyway and pressed it onto his wounded arm. The soft woolen fabric scratching at the fresh wounds, making him hiss out. He had failed to control himself -he only realised now. The tears pouring down his cheeks as shame washed over him. Levi would be so disappointed with him. Levi would surely hate him. He had broken his promise, the little deal they had agreed on, for days like today, when stuff was tough and Levi not with him.

The flight lasted two hours and fifteen minutes as Levi finally touched down in Chicago at ten in the evening, rushing to get his camera equipment and luggage, jumping into the rental car that he had booked like the devil would chase him down the streets, in a last minute decision before boarding.

He had a bad feeling and the evening glow outside wasn't making him relax. Not paying attention to traffic rules in general, running over several red lights to start the list off with, followed by speeding, Levi headed home in a fast pace. Not reckless to cause an accident - he had learned after hitting that support beam of the El two years or so ago -  but still very fast, to be a potential danger for others around him. Luckily he didn’t attract police interest. He parked the car in the car park and headed straight for the elevator with his suitcase, pressing the button to their floor with an urgency, he wasn't aware off, tapping his foot in a fast pace.

He had put his phone into the car charger, as soon, as he had entered the car at the airport, so at least he was able to check up on the time, but seeing all the notifications coming through of missed calls from Eren, didn't help him ease. He hoped with all his heart that Eren had fallen asleep from exhaustion rather than all the other possibilities running through his head.

Levi hadn't wasted time on calling back, he only accelerated to get back home as fast as he could instead, after noticing. Seeing the elevator door open up on his floor, made him sigh in relief for the first time, as he pulled out his key card to open the door to apartment #3025.

Eren didn't hear the door go, only as the first footsteps and the sound of a suitcase being dragged across the hardwood floor, echoes around the hallway, he suddenly took in what that meant.

His Levi was back. He had just left his suitcase next to the bedroom door probably, like he always did.

Levi had come back after all and here he was sitting, bleeding with his pullover clapped over his injured arm. He didn't know what to do. He felt like a mice in front of the waiting cat, he wanted to hide away somewhere.

The moment Levi set foot into their home, he knew something was up and wrong - really, really wrong. He simply knew it and his gaze quickly scanned his surroundings. The door to their bed room half way open, but otherwise appearing empty, the door leading to the bathroom closed and soft light coming from the living room. His stomach heaved, as Levi braced himself for what would await him.

“Eren?” he softly called out, turning the corner, seeing his boyfriend curled up on the sofa, teal green eyes wide, traces of tears on his cheeks, his arm curled around his pullover and pressed to his front.

“Hi Eren, mon cher.” Levi said, tone all gentle and approached him, Eren's eyes turned even wider as he whimpered. Levi crouched down next to him stroking the tears away with his thumb softly and a strand of Eren's brown uneven short hair behind his ear.

“Hey, it's okay chéri, I'm back. It's all fine now.” he cooed, trying to comfort his crying boyfriend, who shook his head in response, leaning forward to push his face into the fabric of Levi's navy jumper, hiding from his questioning gaze.

How could he have doubt this man? How could Eren even had dared to think Levi would leave him, he thought to himself, as he wept into the french Canadian’s chest, who cradled him softly, not missing the way Eren was still curled up around his right arm.

“Hey mon cher, come on! What's wrong? Why are you so scared?” Levi asked, pressing soft kisses onto his brat's hair. Eren sobbed louder, not really answering.

“It's okay, it's going to be fine. I'm back home again. The stupid flight was delayed, because of that damn blizzard.” Levi explained, his gaze wandering over to the TV, where the news reporter was reading out about the blizzard, right at that moment. His gaze flickered over the table, as he was holding the younger guy close, stroking his back in slow patterns to get him to calm down, as something caught his eye. The light was reflecting on metal and the spark of it had caught Levi's attention.

He sighed, spotting the dried blood on the edges immediately and the crumpled drawing underneath, smeared with drops of red, covered in thick black lines, making it unable to identify what it once had been.

“Oh Eren. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.” Levi sighed, knowing fully well he was too late.

“Come on, how bad is it?” Levi asked softly, voice strained with worry,  trying to get Eren up into a sitting position, who refused to let go of him. Levi pulled him into his lap, smoothing down the hair in Eren's nape.

“It's ok, You are going to be fine. I'm not mad at you. I still love you.” he soothed, trying his best to reassure the scared young boy.

“Let me have a look at it. Let me make it better, mon cher.” he tried his hardest to keep his own tears at bay. He needed to be strong for Eren now.

Eren curled up closer, too ashamed of himself, but he knew Levi wouldn't stop worrying and take him to the hospital in a heartbeat, if he refused his help. Levi hushed more words of comfort into his boyfriend’s ear, both in english as well as in french, as those tear stained green eyes finally focused on him, for longer than a fraction of a second and Eren nodded once, allowing Levi to pull his loved one's arm over to himself. The Canadian softly removed Eren’s cramped up fingers from the material, lifting the edge of it carefully slowly, which made Eren hiss and flinch in return as the fabric, sticking to the wounds was ripped off by the motion, causing new blood to appear.

“It's ok mon cher. I'm going to make it better I promise.” Levi whispered, pressing the fabric back onto the gashes, scooping Eren up in his arms and carrying him to the bathroom, where they kept the first aid kit. His heart was totally crestfallen, but he would do anything to help his love. He knew how much Eren hated going to hospital to get stitched up, needing to explain, that he had done this to himself, had brought it up on himself. Scared that they would admit him to the psychiatric ward, where he couldn’t see Levi at all and worst of all was subjected to endure a talking to by his dad Grisha Yeager, who was the head of the ward.

Levi knew, that this would only make matters worse, even though he was aware, that Eren needed help. But if he could stop the bleeding with the supplies they had at home, this would be enough for now. He hated seeing Eren like this, still crying hard, as Levi assessed the damage and patched him up.


End file.
